I have been a bit quiet on the old social media with last couple of weeks, some people might think that’s not such a bad thing, the thing is i have been in the scan zone as i like to call it, and when your in it, I find it can be hard to talk or express yourself.
We all know the feeling when that letter arrives with your next scan date, you have probably been for a clinic appointment and then they casually drop into conversation we will book you in for a scan, now of course to long term patients this is horses for courses, but it still gets the alarm bells ringing and that little negative voice going in your head!!
A few days pass and the feeling eases off, back to routine until the postman decides to stick that brown envelope (mine are always brown i hate sight of them) in your letter box and its all heart thumping and sweaty palms. Natural reaction to danger since time of the first cave women/men. Husband asks” is that your scan appointment?” i respond with something akin to a cave woman grunt. I really don’t want to think about this yet shove it back in envelope and back of mind.
Week before scan, another letter arrives to remind me this time with big orange reminder sticker on, that my scan is next week, I mean come on, I’m sure the HSE could fund a few hospital beds just with the cost of those reminders, because i personally have never met a Cancer Patient that could forget, when their next scan is, its burned into your brain like a brand from time you open first letter. That week is literally as slow as a wet week even if the sun is shining and your mood is probably likewise. Its like a big black cloud following over your head all sense of reason can evaporate and god forbid anyone tells you it will be all fine, they are risking a punch in the mouth 🙁 I meditate like a mad woman, go for long walks with the Dog ( i can tell him anything) eat lots of biscuits (sure might as well i think from my dark abyss, it will be bad news) I just do what i can to pass the time.
What is it with Dunkettle Roundabout, when i have loads of time, i sail through when I leave house later than i should have traffic jam of 1.5 km!!! Scan time drink yucky liquid for an hour have cannula fitted, staff are lovely, as I lie down on scanner and get hooked up i ask where’s the music, that lightens the mood as i’m told i’d need to go to the Bonds (private) for that. Close eyes, try to remember everything i have learned in mindfullness class, relax, follow instructions from tanoy,”Take a Deep Breath HOLD, Breathe Normally” (like this could ever be normal!!) wait for the warm sensation of transfer dye, few more deep breaths and its done helped up, pull up jeans as discreetly as possible in room of strangers and GO like the clappers to nearest Loo, its not easy holding on to litre and half of liquid, although if it was beer i think it might be possible, but not this horrible yucky yellow aniseed stuff!!!
Just one more week of sleepless nights and palpitations to get through till results, keep busy, out everyday as much as i can don’t want to be alone to dwell, not a floor swept or a towel folded bugger it that can wait!! I have been learning in mindfullness to treat myself like my own best friend this week i take it to the max, and every time a negative thought surfaces i shoo it off my shoulder like its some annoying crow caw cawing in my ear, worry i might be taken away as i have forgotten myself and started doing this in coffee shops 🙂
D-Day late afternoon appointment, is there any end to this torture, take too long getting ready husband shouts” what are you doing up there, we need to leave” i think of going to bed and refusing to go, or running away with the dog as my companion!! But i cant i have to face this. Travel in silence to Cork, you can drop me here at door while you park, I say to his surprise, I just need some time…… mercifully Clinic is near empty a rarity sadly, get called as soon as husband gets in from parking, suddenly this is all happening too fast, friendly face comes to consulting room “Hi I’m Adam” he says as he shakes our hands “its ok its good news”, i want to hug Adam like he’s the best friend I have ever had, but that’s not appropriate so i hug my real best friend My Husband and wish i could bottle this feeling and stay this way forever………